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07 November 2012 @ 09:39 am
I know you're following me. Even when you aren't, you are. Being with someone who is normal and nice is actually kinda boring. You know, when there aren't any messes to clean up and no things to be angry about. Maybe that will come later. My heart is as closed as a coffin right now, yet I am open to be cared for. To be with Nathan is to compare him to you, and I do. in my head continuously.
I don't think you understand exactly how miserable I was during our 2 year passion fest. I was up and down all the time. One day, super happy and excited about life, the next ready to kill you, or just leave you. I felt trapped under your suffocating words. "Who you getting all dressed up for?" Every time I put something on that made me feel good. "We are'nt going to a club.." is one I remember fondly, as if it were yesterday. Don't forget the many times you said you'd kill yourself if I left! That ones a kicker. Acting like you wanted me to get out of your house and explore life but on the inside, clinging for control. I was planning on breaking up with you too many times to count, and I see now this may be the reason my sister hated you. I never had good things to say about you but rarely, and maybe more in the beginning when I hadn't known how selfish you could be.
And now, I am plagued with consuming anxiety. I'm failing a class and doing quite poorly in others because of this thought that you might try to hurt me again, come to my apartment and befriend my dog so he wont bark, waiting for me. It's in this paranoia that I gather disdain for you. The way you can make me feel without you even being there. I hate that you have a power over me that you are seemingly unaware of....I suppose by raping me you achieved this goal. By transforming every fear of what you could do to me into reality, I'm just a war veteran waiting for a final blow to the skull.
you can say you're sorry, you can say goodbye, but all of it means nothing to me. your words are like lemon juice in a paper cut. Not one person can hold this much hatred toward another and still move forward in life. I vow I will let it go one day. Nathan might be a rebound, or may just become the love of my life. Who knows, but I know now, that you are nothing but pathetic to me. Nothing you say I will ever believe and if we were to meet in another lifetime, I would try my hardest to remember how dangerous you are to yourself and others.
I feel like dropping the charges I've made against you, just to forget about it all, but I know that wont help me in the long run.
So long, demon. You will never breathe down my neck again.
Current Location: My house
Current Mood: coldcold
26 September 2012 @ 11:43 am
And here I go with love. That never-ending battle that I somehow manage to fall into every chance I get. My mother says I need to be alone for a while. To get my head on straight. To get my heart on tight. But I don't wanna. I wanna be in love and be HAPPY in love. I was happy in love once. But that was a long time ago when I was stupid and didn't know what I really wanted. Now I really do know, and I really do care.
Current Location: UNM
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Silversun Pickups
24 September 2012 @ 12:30 pm
Im protecting women from you by telling on you. i am not saying i didn't love you or i don't know how sorry you probably are, but how do i know? how do i know if you'll do it again? I don't. because you showed me how fucked up you can be. You have pretty much forced me to do this. I don't know if you'll do it again, but you did it to her and then, years later, you did it to me.

see you in court, motherfucker.

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30 July 2012 @ 11:22 am

I had withdrawals last night from Rob. Seriously, I think love is this twisted fucked up drug that eats away at your will after a while. I texted him wondering if what I was doing was the right thing, and I meant every word I said.  But I know I am. Nothing's changed yet. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing by him doing as I ask. I cant be with someone who is so unhappy with everything all the time. I am the complete opposite and it really hurts me inside to see him so depressed. I know I can't change him, and I know he needs this push. I need to leave him alone so he can break it all down.  
He tells me that we need to talk more and I just need to come home but I'm moving anyway, so that place isn't my home anymore and I should get it through my skull. I'm leaving. That's it.  Him screaming in my face for something I didn't do was the last straw.

He is just...being enabled by me and by his mom and by that house he lives in, and I can't take it. I am getting depressed just thinking about our future, so he must be depressed living it.  He sees no opportunities in his life when there are hundreds.  I can't help him anymore. I try so fucking hard to make him happy and it never works.  Nothing ever satisfies him, and I love him more than I could ever love anyone.
The hard thing about this... is that I feel so alone.  I was so close to him, and we talked and knew each other so easily. It's like we always knew each other.  I just kept feeling trapped and unappreciated by certain things, like him not wanting to hang out with my family, or not wanting to take me to the doctor when I needed it (he did anyway), he didn't go with me to pick out an apartment, just the little things. That I need. We have broken up before but that was a different reason, and I've never really had a good look at this man.
Forever the optimist.  

Current Mood: lonelylonely
28 June 2012 @ 11:49 am
I swear Minie and I work great together! It's so easy with her! Anyway, yesterday was fun fun and today...not so much. bad dreams woke me up.

I was at the mall/school where I was seeing all my old friends, expecting Rob to be there soon. i saw him reading a book on the cafeteria table so I walked over. he said hello but kind of ignored me.. it was odd but I didn't think anything of it until my friend Audra asked me to babysit her New baby a while. i said sure! Lemme ask Rob for a ride home when Im done. I couldn't find him Anywhere so I called him and he answered rudely while laughing to something some chick said in the background. I said, who is that? And he got defensive. He said, its my ex gf/best friend/lover. you gonna hate me for it? I started yelling that i needed s ride home and he hung up on me. Then i woke up.
i don't know why, but I think the dream started getting bad right as Rob left for work. it was so good and then that had to happen. I guess Im insecure? The anxiety was wayyyyy too much.

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25 June 2012 @ 05:20 pm
I'm doing really good in school, I have no job sadly, I am starting to do more things to open myself up, and have a wonderful boyfriend :) -we do argue, don't get me wrong. Thats NORMAL.- things have been going so well (except not having money) that I'm starting to worry if something terrible is gonna happen.

Rob is really obsessing about what a "loser" he is and how he's done nothing with his life, and I think it's because he really wants to be with me and impress me.  I don't know what to tell him other than, well just work hard at whatever is in front of you and you should feel like you've accomplished something. But to be honest, he really hasn't. He hasn't failed at music just because he's not in a band right now because BWFLR are fucking ASSHOLES. But in school, I don't know how he can miserably fail and not do anything about it right then.  It would make me soooo soooo anxious and depressed if I couldn't get my work done on time -not to mention the huge amounts of debt he's in because of student loans...

I dont know what to do other than do what I have been doing and try to support him when he falls. I don't want him to bring me down with him, so I'm just trying to do what I can to get myself to a place I want to be when I'm 30+ years old.  We don't argue about that stuff anymore ever since he's been out of the band though, his partying in Vegas was really killing us. Like bad.  But now things seem better and more stable. I'm not trying to get in between him and the band or him and his music, I just want him to understand that I demand respect from people I love and respect and he is one of those.  

Boredom needs to go away.  
Current Location: Snuggly Bed
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: 3 Libras-A Perfect Circle
15 June 2012 @ 09:25 pm
See...this is why you don't live with your mother when you're thirty years old. She gets all clingy and bitchy at you and if you don't take it she makes you feel bad. Because you're sponging off of her and she's leeching your ambitions dry like a mosquito. A little at a time, until you catch the bird flu and DIE. Yea. Im being dramatic right now, but look at this mess you've both made for yourselves.
What's creepier is how she expects you to give her companionship like a husband or boyfriend. Sorry lady, but seriously? Get a boyfriend and drop your children at 18. THAT IS WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO. Its cool tho, you can say "maybe I shouldve this" or "maybe I shouldve that" all you want. My mom DID drop me at 18 and got herself a boyfriend. She's been happy ever since. Maybe you should do the same.

And you wonder why people stomp all over you.

Fucking children.

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16 May 2012 @ 04:39 pm

Well, someone said they'd lend me money for rent and deposit to get an efficiency.  I guess it never occurred to them that I was counting on that money, so they used it for something else.  THANKS.  
Now I'm fucked, trying to get an apartment with money I don't have in a time frame that's nearly impossible to do anything with. Not to mention having no car severely limits my prospective living areas.  

Dammmitt.  I hate when plans die. :\

Current Location: Couch
Current Mood: highhigh
22 April 2012 @ 04:21 pm
It really hurts that you still have pictures of multiple exes on your Flickr, not to mention the hundred others you admitted you have, but are "none of my business" It's so weird and makes me feel like a fool. An unimportant fool. Then you have the audacity to say, "I'll get rid if them when we get married." Really? Why should i marry you of that's what it takes?? Uuggg and the bullshit proceeds.

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01 April 2012 @ 11:02 am
So, despite Robs sadness, I have decided to move out of this God forsaken dust pit to an Albuquerque location. I need space, I need family, and i need responsibility. Living in my own place will make it so much easier to appreciate Rob and myself.

We'll see what happens.

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